


Confession of a drunken men

by Gizmo



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Multi, and drunk, eliot is sad, insomnia and depression makes you write weird stuff, lonely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 02:02:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13870755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gizmo/pseuds/Gizmo
Summary: Four years into being in a past Fillory, Eliot is utterly drunk and decide to write to someone he didn't think about in years; Fen.





	Confession of a drunken men

_Fen,_

_I have been trying to start this letter, for now, the seventh time and I have no clue how to start it so here we go; if you get this letter it’s because I never made it back to 2018 to finish the quest. Q has found a spell to send things to Margo but if his maths are correct and the circumstances are right, you will get this rightfully in time. Who knows, Q is not as good in math as he likes to says._

_Anyway, I am not sure by now what you know and don’t but let start with the beginning; the key we needed to find to continue the quest and bring back magic led Q and me into a Fillory’s past, even before the Chatwin ever came. We are now in our fourth year here, trying to solve a puzzle that seems impossible and I am so tired of it but by now it’s too late to back out. Hopefully, when you get that letter we will have figured everything out and you could help Margo continue our quest._

_Fen, if I write to you, it’s because shamefully it’s the first time I think about you in over three years. At first, Q brought you up a lot to guilt me back into giving up and go home but we both knew that we were stuck in the past even if we didn’t do the puzzle. So he stopped. We talk less and less of people in the future, to be honest._

_But two days ago, Fen, Quentin became a father. His wife Arielle gave birth to a baby boy that has her hair and his eyes. Since then I’ve been leaving them alone as much as I could because I let myself believe that I will no longer be part of this family we three had and that Rupert (Q is such a nerd ) basically took my place into the house dynamic. And I am trying so fucking hard to understand that but it hurts and I feel alone. And I guess I am not glimpsing at the loneliness you must have felt with me._

_I have been asked several times to hold the baby but I can’t. I just... can’t. And at first, I was sure it was jealousy or some insecurity bullshit. But now I am super drunk and it just fucking hit me; I can’t because if you._

_You never told me but by your behavior, I am sure the fairies never let you held our daughter. This is why you’ve been craving to hold something, everything, and give it your love. And it’s not right. How can me, a puppet king with father issue and a tendency to trust no one, could hold a baby and give it all my love when you couldn’t._

_You who have been patient and kind and more than comprehensive to all my whimsy and dismissal. You who took care of me at night that I had withdrawal and always made sure no one but Margo knew about them. You who got your happiness of being pregnant shut down by me putting my fear before whatever you were feeling._

_Fuck Fen, I don’t know what is the purpose of this letter but to say I am sorry for how a shitty husband and human being I’ve been to you. I tried so hard to hate you, both Margo and I did. But we couldn’t because you made us care about Fillory and see that this might be a new world to play with for us, but for you, it was all you ever had and to half rule, it was not what any king should do. I don’t know if it’s my second bottle of wine saying this or me just being emotionally exhausted and pouring my heart, but I think that if I started to feel like Fillory was my home it was in part because you were here with me, with Margo and with our never-ending problems. But you were there, and Fuck I don’t think I would be the king I am,_ was, _if I wouldn’t have married you._

_I might not have loved you the way you wanted me to. But know that the affection I carry for you is real. Seeing you crumble over the fairies broke my heart every time I saw you five into a slow madness and Gods knows that if I am still doing this stupid key quest, it's to be sure they will be far away from you and Fray. I owe you that, at least._

_Okay, I just scratched two pages of self-loathing because you totally don’t want to read that and it’s not the point of my letter._

_All I wanted to say, Fen, is that I hope that you ended up finding someone else. That you didn’t wait. Please find a man, get pregnant again, hold your baby until your arms go numb and are the amazing mother and wife you are._

_I fucked up big time with you and I am realizing it more every day since Q married Arielle and she came to live in our house. I think you’d like her. And now, seeing another woman in Fillory like this, I understand how your whole life has been built around this slight chance that you would marry a king. Your whole life you got yourself ready for it and when it was time to produce an heir I know you had pressure from the council as much as what everyone drilled into your head and honestly if I could see your dad right now I’d punch him. Because raising you to wait for a man and be his obedient and quiet life isn’t a life. Especially for you._

_So be loud, love, explore, fight, rest, do everything they told you couldn’t just in case a Child of Earth would have to marry you._

_I’m sorry it was me_

_I’m sorry I never understood it was as much of a struggle for you_

_I’m sorry for everything I put you through_

_So here is my drunken promise, Fen. Here, in the past, years away from you and our daughter I’m gonna try to be the dad I want to be. I don’t think that even if we defeat the fairies, I’ll get to see our daughter. But I’ll be for Rupert the kind of dad I wanted to be for her._

_And I promise I will hold him as long as I could and remember that this is a blessing._

_Fen, I'm sorry for everything_   
_Yet again you teach me without knowing_

_I need to pass out, I’ll spell this letter Tomorow._

_I hope you find happiness, I’m sorry I couldn’t bring it to you_

_With all my love_

_Eliot_

Drinking his coffee, battling a hangover and getting ready for the day, Eliot re-read the letters he'd written the night before, as Quentin and Ariel were trying to get some sleep before the baby woke them up again. The High King wiped his eyes, not even remembering half of what he'd written and felt the emotions all over again.

  
''Everything alright Eliot?'' A small voice asked and for half a second he thought it was Fen. Then he remembers that it was impossible and it was most likely Arielle.

  
The image of his wife evaporates from Eliot's mind as a sleepy Arielle entered the room with Rupert, bundled in blankets, visibly sated and now dozing off. Something icy pierced his heart and yet, his chest warmed up at the tableau.

  
'' Yeah. '' Eliot said, throwing the letter and all other scrap papers into the fire he'd started in the foyer. ''Just cleaning a bit before starting the day. ''

He told the new mother to go back to be and get the rest she most needed. And when she asked him if she could rock Rupert until he fell back asleep, Eliot took the baby in his arm without hesitation, kissed Arielle's forehead and went into the rocking chair.

Rupert fell asleep within minutes. Eliot didn't put him back in his crib. Instead, he held him tight, looking at the fire, knowing that even if Fen will never read what he'd written, he will hold his promise and love this little boy as much as he would have tried to love the daughter they should have had.

**Author's Note:**

> Please hit kudos or write a comment if you enjoyed! I desperately need validation ._.


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